Today is my 40th Birthday
Today is my 40th birthday.
40.
This whole year I have been intentionally telling people I am turning 40. Age has been such a taboo topic for women. “How old are you?” Apparently that is not an acceptable thing to ask a woman. I remember hearing over and over “Oh, I am turning 29 again!” said in a tone I could not identify. Questioning why women have been taught to look young and never admit their age. Society’s obsession with women’s bodies and women’s youth disgusts me. When I think about it, I notice a rising sensation of heat that starts at the base of my core and rises to my throat. A strong red, fire-like rod that wants to move. There is anger behind it. There is sadness for all the women who felt shame for their aging bodies. There is disgust with the system we live in where women can never be good enough. There is grief for all the years I spent hating my body, trying to shrink myself down to a version of me that was no longer “too much.”
And to that rising fire-like sensation, I say “thank you for setting me free.”
I am 40. And I am proud of that.
If you would have told 15 year old me that was lying curled up in a hospital bed wanting to disappear that I would not only make it to 40, but be thriving, living my life in a way that is aligned and powerful, I would not have believed you. And here we are. 40. And loving it. Life has just begun and I am stepping into the best years of my life. That is a truth I feel deep in my body. A strong settling in my chest. A deep breath. A grounding through my feet. The truth that the best is yet to come, lives steady and strong inside. And, damn, I am thankful.
I am thankful to all the previous versions of myself and all those who walked with me in my various paths. I am thankful to be living in a body that is strong and resilient. I am thankful this body was given the gift of carrying and birthing two amazing little humans and I am so thankful I get to love them every day. I am thankful to have a partner that loves all the parts of me (even the ones I struggle to love myself). I am thankful to be just beginning a new career journey into bodywork and trauma healing, work that truly feels aligned with who I am.
Thankful.
Strong.
Settled.
And 40!
In the next few days I will be sharing something I have been building for you all. If you have done the healing work and continue to wonder why you don’t feel better, stay close. This is for you. Until then, CHEERS to owning our age!